Breath of heaven!

“Breath of Heaven”

Its that time of year again, and some of us are spending it as Newleyweds, brand new parents, and some of us are just enjoying Christmas with our family…some of us have snow on the ground and some of us get the chance to spend it in short sleeve shirts and have to cover the ground with fake snow ;) but what we all know something about this year is that it brings a feeling to each one of us that have opened our hearts to bring peace, joy and a simple assurance that the Son Of God is born this time of year and he is the reason for the season. Some of us may believe in Santa this year and some of us are seeking to find the true meaning of Christmas.

I will have you know, this past year I have found every reason to believe in this time of year, it is the only reason that I am still going. Because I am ever so aware that because the Son of God came to the earth to live an example for you and me, I have found miracles that came together through many sleepless nights, restless days, and constant thoughts. I am sure we each are aware of such a feeling like that.
God has never put us through more then we can handle, but what we also don’t hear after that is that he is walking by our side as we go through losing a loved one to death, divorce or a choice for them to walk out. Such a feeling can come over us that we just don’t understand, questions arise, doubts come over us and hurt begins to set in..some of us set back and ask “why me” some of us ask “what can we learn” and well then there are some of us that will do anything that they can to just let life pass us by without ever learning what the lesson possibly could be.

We each are put through the hardest trials, some that test us at our limits and we think what possibly could we have done to deserve such a thing…but that wasn’t the case when you had to go through it...someone, somewhere knew you fought in as you were in heaven with him and someone, somewhere knew that it was possible…that is simply why the word itself, “impossible says Im Possible”

I am sorry that you have had quite the year, but what I can tell you is that I am assured you are a new person today because of it!

This past year I have had the opportunity to go through school, 1600 hours later 2 tests, I am an official cosmetologist in the state of Arizona! Some of you will see that as an accomplishment being only 20 and having a career. Some will look at it as, that was easy couldn’t of been that hard. Well for me, it was the best thing that I ever had to go through. I went through school, with a full support system from my loving family, best friend and instructors that believed in me. Paying for everything myself, starting to date someone serious, end up marrying him and divorcing him, many new things I had to learn, knowledge that didn’t always make sense and having it all to sink in so it could be applied in the world. I was building a cliental that I could go out into the world and be made known. As I was building life long friendships with women, that were going through the exact same thing I was…and I lost myself in the whole mist of it all, to only find that I am proud of who I am today having to sacrifice family time, events and time. I am a women who now looks at what is really important and what is not. I appreciate family and every moment I get with them, I am a woman who loves to overcome fear and face it at whatever cost it may be. I am the woman who decides every single day that I want a better life for myself, because I DESERVE IT! Most of all, I have learned that I am the women, at the end of every day knowing that I did my best, I tried my hardest and I remember that everything is going to always be okay in the end. It just takes time, long suffering and a loving savior to always comfort you when you are down..

Remember this time of year, that yes it may seem as though everything happens all at once and sometimes life hurts the most when you are feeling the most vulnerable but sometimes it is the one time we will and can learn the most.

Hang in there!

Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays! :)

Living my life

Have you ever heard that phrase, that you cant change your problems, with the same mindset you created them with?? Well... now you have! I have always lived my life, wanting to learn more. Needing to know more, and always trying to learn and move ahead in my life. I have found myself in situations that I never thought I would of been in, looking back knowing I did everything that I knew I could, with the knowledge that I had... always doing everything I could, to get myself out of uncomfortable situations and make sure certain mistakes would never repeated again...cause you see, I have always been that girl who hates making mistakes, but loving to grow from them. Weird, right..who is spending there life hoping that they dont make mistakes..what kind of life is that anyways? But all I have ever wanted is to be a good person, striving to do what is right, in every situation. Try to everything I could to make sure I didnt ever hurt anyone, myself and whatever else was involved..But these past two years I have come to appreciate the beauty in making mistakes,that I have the chance to learn so much more then it was not even living my life...You know, I dont try to go out looking for trouble, nor do I even want to create it..but what I am trying to do is create a life for myself that I have never had before. I have loved every bit of it. It has taught me to understand people who are struggling, to not judge a book by its cover,  to believe that the only thing we will ever find in this world is constant change and sometimes that is more then enough change that anyone will need. Because when we create change, it doesn't only touch our own lives by it also impacts others as well. It impacts them to see that every sinner is loved as much as the saint and every saint can sin as much as a sinner. Everyone has a pile of rocks they're carrying around. Some will just make it more obvious then others and sometimes others have just learned to handle lifes situations at its fullest in knowing we can't make the same mistake twice nor can we learn the same thing again. We will always be changing in such a way that it will expand our perspective to its fullest. :)

Mirror Image

I was always told growing up that one day that i was going to be able to find the man of my dreams..that he would take me to the temple and forever we would be sealed as a family..yet what i didnt know is the road it would take to get there.. I didnt know it was going to be so long..so rough and soo many choices at hand..we get into those mode sometimes and think that everything is just going to happen..it is just going to work out...but we let fear continue to stop us from progressing because it is easier to sit back and watch your life to pass by...instead of asking and watching the answers turn into yes...your belief turn into faith and your live for what you know, to bless lives. Ill have you know that I have had my fair share of experiences this year..Never did I ever think in my life, I would imagine me sitting here trying to figure out how to overcome the damage that was created in my life and continues to show up in my life..We all just want to be loved....we all just want to be heard..but what we dont realize is that sometimes the people that are hurting the most, is just the person who wont even take time for themselves..its hard isnt it? it is hard to be honest with ourselves...it is very hard to say the words that nobody hears..the ones we are afraid that people are going to judge us for..the ones that if people were to hear, they would look at us differently..as though we werent equal...but if we all could take off the masks we hide behind, the opinions we have created and the assumptions that hold us back. we would then see people at their most vulnerable state..we would care to love each other, selfish wouldnt even be a word, and unity is what we would created.. what has this world turned into..where lack of trust is common..lies are told instead of truth and betrayal is more common then the loyalty of ones word...what are you doing for the world today? To create something bigger then what you are..who you are...and what you will be.. Are you putting yourself aside? Or do you actually need to put yourself first, because you have put yourself off for so long, but fear holds you back, in fear that you will be viewed as a selfish person...but sometimes that is what we need to do to move forward..no matter how much it hurts..YOU MATTER!!! people want to give you back, what you continue to give..

A wonderful blessing!

November 20, 2012 As many emotions came over me in one moment...I was blessed, I was shocked, happy, relieved, wanted to laugh, felt like crying and mad..all at the same time..but why? Why would one phrase bring so many emotions? What was I to be feeling in a moment of celebration, everyone around me seemed to be happy for me, they were cheering, they were all looking to me as I saved the day. The man that I put every emotion I ever had, that promised me that he was gonna stand BY me through the good and bad, the ugly and beautiful...the hardships in decisions and concerns..but what i found all along is that he was never there..the times I cried myself to sleep, the accomplishments, the endurance, the inner strength and the battles i had to faced every single day I had to make a decision to stand against all odds. To do what my selfish desires were asking of me, instead of what truly was best for me..everyone around him seemed to remind him what a great influence I was over him...how he had never been so happy before...the question always remained of how he always seemed to be the one who had the upper hand, why was he able to win every argument we had...he was able to always seem to make it my fault, my insecurities, my family, my past...why wasnt what I gave him, ever good enough? But it always seemed to be when we first began. Why couldnt it be now? I found along the way that love wasnt what we shared between us... because now I can stand here before you to tell you, sometimes the ones we love and we give our all too...aren't meant to stay in our lives for forever. Just a lesson and a blessing to someone else.

What does love do for you?

I have tried to figure out in my life..what really am I living for? Where am I going to be able to finally settle down and be really happy with where I am at. I dont want to be able too keep searching...I dont want to keep searching...but the base of what keeps each of us alive..that keeps us going every single day is, love! To be loved and to love someone...there is soo many things to what love can do...it changes everything. It opens our minds,  it creates a joyful heart, it makes us want to be better, it encourages, it believes, it creates, it understands, it is kind and it is what gives us the meaning in this life!:)

You are HERE for a reason

Everyday is a journey worth taking...we are born into this world to discover every single day what it will offer us. Are you alive today to bless someones life? Will you inspire someone just because you live today and your positive influence...or do you need to be reminded that you making mistakes, is part of you being human just as anyone else will? I cant give you the formula why you are alive today, I cant tell you the steps to find out what will even make you happy. But what I can tell you is that today someone needs your strength, someone needs to hear you story, someone needs to know that you care...Are you in the spot in your life that you just arent moving forward and you arent falling behind? Where ever you may be in the world, I get that it is working for you! It has gotta be working for you, because you chose everyday to stay there..you chose to be in that position...and if you arent as happy/sad as you appear to be, then change it! Make a difference, do what YOU want and dont let anyone ever tell you that you arent good enough, that you arent strong enough..cause I see it! YOU have it in youuu, its why everytime someone choses to say something, it effects you at your core, because you know better. you know the truth! You just live to feel that maybe, just maybe they may know you better then you know yourself...that isnt the case at all...you are the ONLY one who knows YOU..who can make the final decision EVERY single day!

Where do I turn?

I have believed for all my life that if we were to just turn to God we would be able to find all the answers that we dont know...that he would give us time, and experience allowing our faith to be built, our testimonies to grow and allow us to move forward in all the answers we know..But I have reached the point in my life where I am wondering where does my life begin? Where is it that point I reach when I finally figure out my purpose for why I am even alive? When do we finally come to understand my true beauty, my true potential. How do I even begin to look? When I sit back and try to figure out where I am going next. Will I be able to know how...where? what? how? I feel like in every area of my life I have waited for these moments..when I finally get to start living a life for me, when i know what it is like to pay for everything that was mine, to be able to get a career one day find a husband who wants to take me to the temple and will love me with every fault, insecurity and mistake. Will the mental abuse finally go away? Will the trials that feel as though they are never ending, finally end.. Will be I one day just come to understand the great person that I really am? Who do I even turn to when i am feeling like this...

I know what I chose

11/12/12
Your right, I am a big girl...I have been married...I have had a step child and I know what it like to be a wife, step mom and a daughter...it hasn't been easy at all.. Since day one, I knew exactly what I was getting involved into..I knew that it was going to test my patience, that it would bring alot of pulling on my heart and I most definitely knew that it would be harder to get out of then get into...Was it something I wanted? Yeahhh it was, was it something that I thought would be THIS hard? Nooo...it definitely was the last thing that I wanted..<br />
Let me tell you this, everyday I feel like I am missing him, cause he cant be here...it feels like I am consistently running, it makes me saddd...it brings back a million memories...and it feels as tho everyone is telling me to get over it...and you know what? I dont want to get over it! I dont want to get over him...I married him for a reason, I stayed with him for as long as I did cause I knew he could change, I knew he could be the man I have always wanted him to be. Yet through this whole process in this divorce,  I have had to stop and remember that there are two people in this relationship,  there are two people who have to create honesty, communication,  love trust a relationship worth keeping alive. Two people have to want it more then anything in this world. Yes one is always going to give more then the other, but that is why there is a balance.  That is why there is something that I love to call unconditional love. You have to pause and consider someone else's feelings constantly. It takes you putting someone else's happiness above your own. And in the kind of marriage I was in. It wasn't healthy, it didn't do any good for my life, the ones around me and the children I would of liked to bring into this world. It was an unhealthy environment for everyone around me and that in itself wasn't something I ever wanted to keep forever. Even if it didn't make any sense to anyone else or didn't have proof. My feelings were enough for me to know that I trusted myself more then enough to get out of a relationship and take care of myself, my future and my family one day. Because I was important. I mattered. I deserved the world. Not because I was ever shown that, I never had role models growing up to know what that was like. But what I did have, and it was examples of what i knew I didn't need nor want for myself and that in itself was enough to remind me how important i am.

Open your heart..let me come in!

Who are you to tell someone, who they can or can not be. We all are searching for everyones approval, everyones validation..but we dont stop and see sometimes is that it lies within ourselves..the answers are there and that is why we ask, to be able to hear ourselves out loud..the one thing that our bodies already tell us, the voice we already hear and the knowledge that we will use in our lives..we all live our lives, based off of what we know..what have been given and we are just trying to make the most of it..when someone isnt doing something that you know better, take a step back...have some compassion and realize, they are only human just like you and me. they need the guiding steps just as you do..they need to be reminded they are loved, someone is proud of them and that someone is watching and does notice..we cant fix what isnt broken..but we also cant fix what isnt spoken about...are you one of those people that simply just expect people to know how you are feeling..what you are feeling? It is easy to get that way! People are around you enough to know the things that weigh so heavy on our hearts, but what we forget to do is remember that people cant see the broken pieces..they cant feel the emptiness you feel deep inside your heart..the only way to ones heart is the words that you will speak, and words that your heart will hear..

Process in this divorce

Sept 20, 2012
Who am I kidding? I have sat here in thinking that I am not hurting and havent wished for someone to love me the way I want to be..I sit here and wait for the day to come when someone finally wants to know about MY situation..when people will be moved by MY story..when people will finally let me cry out everything that I have been trying to hide iniside. i dont even know what i wam tryin to say amymore where is he? why hasnt he even cared to reach out ..why is everything he keeps saying so rude and he doesnt even consider my feeling did he even love me like he said he did... did he even want to be married like he kept saying he wanted to be? did he want to have a family? did he let his family influence him to the core? why am i the only who seems to be really dealing with this whole thing...i look at pictures and it captured soo much in all the words that we cant say..but does it really say it all? no it doesnt..it only says parts of what we want it to really say..we take pictures in our happy moments.  In the moments that nothing seems to be goin wrong. we just often times forget how  important we are not just moments..but in memories too..we all see life through a different lenses..just what will it take for us to see i dont even know what i want to say right now i dont even know how to deal with this divorce... i just kept feling like i am going to have to deal with all of this when you get out of prision anyways and that really scares me..i dont want to deal with you then i dont even know how i would react to seing you..would i feel like i betrayed you? would you feel like i left you? would you or will you ever even forgive me for the things that i said to you? i lied to you so oftn..i made promises that i couldnt even keep...why, doesnt feel like that for you..why does it just feel like i am the only one  who let you down.. memories come back to me all the time specailly this time of year..i remember the times tah that you would say some of the rudest things have ever heard  someone say to me and to me it was just normal" why would someone who really said they love me hurt me like you kept doing ? did i involve my family to much? was i the one who couldnt even get my act together was i the one who was at fault? am i stil the one who is hurting? why does goodbye hurt when i think bout it? why doesnt it make sense when i wanna be with you? i know that you are still extrememly hurt by things that my mom use to tell you but why? I guess this is what happens when finally someone makes a stance in not wanting to settle because I know happiness is out there waiting for me.

The best is the real YOU!

As my heart and mind are overwhelmed with the feelings of wondering how could I ever feel as though I am goood enough for this world and as my mind begins to run out of ideas of how I could ever be...I truly sit back in aw with how grateful I am, to get a chance to be imperfect in everything i do..I have had a very long road to have walked these past couple...more then a couple of years now, I have had to experience things in my life, that have played in an effect on my life all based off of  a someone made..or myself chose to make choice..There are things that I wish I could take back, the way I feel bout myself, and the way I wish I could move on with my life and truly find what it is I have been searching for..then I sit back with so much love in my heart that a my heavenly father would send me here to this earth, knowing that I would make mistakes..he knew the roads I would choose, would always lead me back to him..he knew the intensions of my heart and he saw what nobody else got the chance to see..His unconditional love sends me in a whirlwind of knowing, I know he lives..because I feel it every single day I wake up..that I have another day to become the person I am suppose to be..I cant even begin to tell you what it is right for you and neither can you do the same for me..but what I can tell you, is that each one of us were sent to this earth because we would need validation, love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness...all sorts of qualities we would need to be fully aware of, to BEcome as the Savior is..to love as he does, when he takes time to put others first..when he befriends the ones who have less of friends, to be the phone call someone needs when they feel like giving up, a friendly smile or a little laugh...or even just a "im sorry..i messed up!" The Savior...the most real man that could ever walk this earth, perfect as he is..and human like in every shape and form..He knew when he was in the wrong, he kept his word..he went out of his way to care, to be honest, to communicate...but amongst it all to forgive the ones who didnt deserve forgiveness and to bless the lives of others, by living the way Heavenly Father would have us live..and not as the world would have us live..and to trust each one of us to make our own choices to come back to him...and thru him we would find a way...even if it wasnt like everyone elses ;)

The man you marry..isnt your priest..he is your husband :)

Have you ever found yourself feeling so deep with emotions..that words couldn't even begin to describe how you were feeling..that everything inside of you felt trapped..it didn't make sense how every emotion you barried didn't have an outlet if you talked bout it or you just let it be what it was. What if you were just hiding behind a mask? Was it so much easier to put it on or take it off? I have the opportunity in my life to of gone thru a divorce...one that i knew i was gonna go thru when i chose to say 'i do'...it was just a matter of time...yet i didnt realize how ever so difficult the road would be...finding out thru the whole thing..all my husband wanted thru it all is to have to upper hand in it..could it appear as tho he was fightin for what he truly believed in? When reality it was just his way to have the control...they say when u love someone that their happiness becomes above ur own...has that been the case? Has he let me live my life, freely and give me the time and space...and freedom that i so heartly deserve...as this lonf road has yet to be over...it has causes me much despair. :( tears of feeling ever so alone and tho I don't know if I really am making the right decision. Has it been easy to blame this on others? Absolutely. Has it been something I thought was gonna be easy? Of course..he is in jail and we have no kids...what could be harder then that...never did i feel like it was gonna be this journey I am walking..the risks. The thoughts..the emotions. Its absolutely amazes me how one soul has so much influence over another. How even the mental thought can change ones out look on beauty. One out look on motivation to wake up and get thru the day..  how one can change someones perception of what love is..and should be...but most of how someone should and will be. I am not perfect by all means...nor do I tend to be...nor do I wanna be. What I do know is that the hardest part in all of this is knowing that I didn't give up...accepting that I walked away not because I couldn't do it..but simply cause I knew I deserved someone better for me..for my heart...for my kids ..for my relationships..but most of all for the sake of my eternal well being..Chris simply is a man I will always and forever love. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him. I now stand taller then I have ever known myself to stand for...my perspective is clear...with my heart wide open and ready to try to love again. With the feeling in my heart I want to forgive a man who hurt me so deeply so I can move forward in my life for things I deserve.. so I can one day teach my little girl of what its like to have a man deserve her as a daughter of God..
I never thought in my wildest dreams this was something id have to go thru..I saw what it did to families...couples and the bitterness it created. But that isn't what its looked like for me..its taught me that love isn't something to jump right into. Its something that doesn't take work and it isn't unsure...love is something that just happens and we learn to go with it because of how it makes us feel...it teaches us how to be patient in the most trying times..how to understand when someone elses needs are above your own..how to communicate with honesty when its uncomfortable and to open ur heart to hold back from the conditions we so easily put on someone of who we want them to be. Love takes time..as much as we need of it. It is kind. It is forgiveable. It isn't a list.  If there is anything I've found of what love IS NOT. I know that it isn't something we should ever be scared of. It'll bring out our best efforts and work. It is something that is open...and not some laundry list we should be scared to tell someone of the mistakes we have made.
I can't begin to even put in words exactly what im goin thru..I don't know how I will ever get thru something so hard as what I have to deal with...but what I do know is everyday that I am alive. God so heartedly blesses me to let me know he IS there and teaches me how important I am to him as his daughter. While he listens..while he assures me.  And while he looks out for me. :)

Just when I found myself...being completely honest!..What now?

You have all told me to be strong, you have told me to hold my head held high..and to not settle...you have told me the horrible man I married...you were quick to tell me not to feel the way i was feeling cause I was gonna give back into someone who was controlling me..You were quick to tell me what was BEST for me...but none of you never even ASKED what was best for me..You just thought you knew the whole story based off of what you knew...yet none of you have even tried to bother to ask "How are you REALLY!?" It was easy to assume that I was happy because I put on that happy face..I fooled you all because what was showing on the outside..it wasnt matching on the inside..did it surprise you when I came out and said I was done with Chris? Was it easy to see that wasn't the man I wanted to be with, because I let each one of your influences in my head?  I told you his secrets because I was tried of living my life as a lie..I no longer wanted to feel I was hiding behind a mask, I found myself, in no need to find victims in my life anymore...but little did I know I was playing one the whole time.. it was easy not to take responsibility for how i was feeling..cause that would cause me not to lose any of you! We all know where Chris is..we know he has made mistakes, but the mistakes he has made...is that truly who is? Some may tell you yes, some may sympathize and understand that isnt truly who he is..and some of you may be quick just to tell me...I am crazy to even give him the benefit of the doubt..and quick to raise questions to me of what you know the situation to be..I have lived my life in 4 months time without having any kind of contact with him, I have learned to close doors and keep them shut, I have sought out advice from people because I felt that they would validate how I was feeling...yet amongst it all, I found myself more confused then ever...I didnt understand as I prayed to forgive him, that I found peace with it okay to go and see him..to wanna make things work..I sought out spiritual counsel.. I believed it was just a phase of grief that I had to go thru..that it would just pass "if I just gave it time" but as time has come and gone...all I want is for one second chance, with the man that I married..the man that I never got the chance to feel what it was like to truly be a married couple... I didnt know what it was like to own our own home together and allow our dreams of a family to become reality...Some may call me crazy, for even considering this idea again...for thinking that a man in jail could really change, when this whole time he has got himself in fights...now mind you, I am not tellin any of you, the man I married was a saint..nor will I begin to justify his mistakes..but what I will tell you, is the man I married I still love him, I still want to be with him..and more then ever I want to make this marriage work...I coped out early, because it was easy...It was easy to give up and run away because something hard was about to change my life forever...but as i have learned in the moments of silence, we grow the most in uncomfortable situations...someone who has been by my side for a year now...we have gone thru more, then one couple should ever have to go thru..We had to learn who our true friends were, we learned the language of lies, misunderstands, betrayal, hurt and secrets.. My heart is heavy in the lies that I continue to live with every hour..every day! That it is time I be completely honest with myself, what if he was the man I wanted to make this work with..would it shock you if I told you that I was excited EVERY time he pushed court off for just one more month, because I would love to see him again? I would love to ask him "How he truly is?" Did you believe me when i told you I wouldnt be able to see him, cause I would just give back into him? Easy to believe that right? He has always been a man good with his words..but what I have learned as I sit thru this process is that I miss the man I married more then I hate him..I wanna hold him more then I want to hit him... I wanna cry in his arms..more then I want to yell at him...
We have both learned what it is like to make mistakes, we have learned what it is like to hurt each other..but thru all the silence we have found unspoken words that only we can speak..

We are all imperfect..just trying to make it work

For every moment that I have been given, I have been blessed with a chance to be able to explore the world..I have been able to open my mind and open my heart and come to find that maybe..just maybe God has a plan for me, that he has something big in store, that it will take only me being able to see it..I dont know everything, yet I dont tend to wanna know everything..but what I do know is that God surly does love me..and I know that because I have put it to the test, the past 2 weeks have been an experience in itself for me...On June 24, I decided to turn my life around for the better..I decided that I was gonna give Heavenly Father another chance again and see what he could do for me..I was gonna see if he had any happiness for me, and from that moment forward I have found utter peace from him...he has opened my world to a place of somewhere I love to be..
If there is anything I know, I have come to know that I am not perfect...I am surrounded by imperfect people..and each one of us are just striving to find our place in the world..we are tryin to learn how to be successful, how to grow, how to be happy and most of all we are just trying to find out who we are and who were suppose to be..Some of us have hard hearts and arent willing to open our hearts to the world...some of us have such a soft heart, we let people walk all over us and find that it is okay...whoever you may be in this world...big heart or just YOUR heart..you are important...you are making a difference..You may not know it, you may not even feel it...But I can promise you, that if you were to just open your mind, open your heart..someone just wants to know what is there..Have you ever felt like every one can see that good in you? Cept you? Well guess what? You could see it too, if you just realized, people really do listen to you..they are there not only when its bad...but they are there when it is good too..People pray for you, people want whats best for you...and I know this all to be true cause I have seen it..It is hard to see something, if you are only giving half your heart..what are you gonna get from that? Well let me tell you something now...what we give to this world is exactly what we are gonna get back..believe it or not, only we can come to understand that..We all deserve to be happy, we all deserve to know that someone out there somewhere, is looking out for us..you offer this world something, that nobody else can give..that is why you are here..give the world, the gifts God has has given you..that is why you have them..explore them..make the most of them..cause nobody can do it except youuu!! We will come to understand that, if we just believe in that, we can make a difference!
We all deserve a second chance, we all deserve to be forgiven..we all have a different defination of what that may be...but,
As you walk away from reading this post I want you to remember something...not everything is everyone elses fault..you do things wrong too, and I am sure you know that. But quit playing the victim when things dont go your way.. Take responsibility for what you are doing wrong, cause I promise you..you are doin something that is creating someone to act the way they are..take this for example..have you ever got in a relationship and EVERYTHING is just simply great?? There is all honesty, there is communication, alot of laughing, smiling..but somewhere down the road something goes wrong? And it is soo easy to blame the other person for that? Guess what? You may of reacted a certain way to get them to react that way..your body language may of struck a coard in them..and they may not wanna be that way with you anymore..soo remember the next time you go to blame someone..take a look at yourself first, and make sure what you are doing..isnt "perfect" but also remember too...Not everything is your fault either, but you do play a role in every relationship :)

During the long road of divorce...</3

<p>My heart is heavy tonight and I feel as though nobody has bothered to care...this past year I have got married..became a step mom and knew getting involved with him that it wasn't gonna be easy. I was more then willing to take the risk of having a man go to jail...because he was taking care of mistakes that had taken place wayy before we met. He was owning his past..just as everyone had asked him too...and as our relationship unfolded. We let people in..and we both become vulnerable we found it harder to trust each other... because other peoples opinions became more important then our relationship...I lost contact of my family....I lost friends to risk feeling like my marriage was gonna last ..low and behold a month him being in jail. I discovered I didn't want to be with him. I was happier without him then I was with him. I found myself able to cope better without him around. As I chose to file for divorce and move on with my life...my focus became more alert as I devoted myself to school ..work became easier cause I Wasnt worried anymore...I was able to completely feel and be independent just like I always wanted..I learned how to cope being without him and the anger I felt wasn't gonna go away anytime soon..the peace I felt that soon came over me..I learned the only way I was gonna feel okay again is praying to have my heavenly father by my aside...as few would truly take the time to ask how my heart was coping...I found a love for him...a love that I was at peace where things were headed...I truly wanted what was best for him...but what I think often ppl are truly missing during this whole process is...it isnt easy..I miss him almost every single night..soo often I cry myself to sleep...I ask myself WHY this had to happen to me...I don't get it..I don't have the answers...and what hurts the most is feeling nobody cares to know the loneliness that is sooo deep...as ppl take time to ask how I truly am...thank YOU. It truly makes all the difference. It truly makes me feel important..it makes me feel my feeling matter...cause aas I still continue to fight this battle of wishing he would just let me go. Fighting with everything inside me to hold back the tears...I know what I am doin is gonna be for the better..it will one day soon make sense why I got to go thru this...but for whatever reason until then I will miss him.  I will love him. I will forgive him. I will cherish the memories we made..I will wish him thee VERY best..and most of alll...he will hold a place in my heart to remember yes he did hurt me..he did leave me too answer questions to ppl I didn't wanna do...but what I will always do from this point on is be grateful for a man who taught me so much...both good and bad I will always have someone who will be with me until the end of time...in my heart he will be.
Lol...I sure hope when ppl read this. You don't take that we are gonna be together...cause right now we are just tryin to figure out truly where we are suppose to be as a couple. What I'm trying to express is this journey isn't easy at alll. I miss him a lot...but without each other is where we are better off...or so i feel like it should be...for any reason for us to make it work..time will only tell..

Respect?

Respect? What is it? Is it when you finally put your foot down for not letting someone walk all over you? When they stop asking and they just do instead. Is it when you decide that someone doesnt deserve you or they cant control you? Or  not allowing someone to disreguard how we are really feeling? Or is your definition just simply someone taking care of you the way you deserve...by being patient, kind, understandingg....when everything tells us it doesnt...Whatever you feel it may be, it has been on my mind quite often lately, and it has really made me wonder, what is your limit of when you call it quits when someone disrepects you, or when someone will respect you. Is your fine line to not let someone talk down to you, for them not to hold in how they are truly feeling...is it when they stop trying to be honest with how they truly feel? I cant live the rest of my life faking anything, I want to be real with myself, others and specially the people I love. I feel like everyone truly deserves a chance at life to be trusted, to feel like they can be truly let in..but it is up to you to define your self  respect. Mine simply will be to walk away when their is selfishness bitterness betrayal condescending and demeaning me as a woman and daughter of God. It isn't to walk away when it gets hard but to stand up for myself when I deserve something better.

This is your life..are you who you wanna be?

You know over the last year and a half I really got a glimpse of what it was like not to have my Heavenly Father apart of my life...I found myself caught up in temporary happiness...and some how always left to wanting more and it was always the feeling I was left with that it was never enough. It was so easy to buy into that others around me knew what was best for me...and some how being caught in the midst of it alll I found my self pushing out the one's who loved me most for selfish desires that brought no satisfaction cept a title in which the church accepted in as a rebel...I don't know everything and I don't wanna know it alllll. But what I do know is that I'm a daughter of God...and I will stand as a witness in his name...that thru and by him I'm forgiven and will be made brand new. That frowns will become smiles. Saddness will become happiness and thru the atonement...old things can be made brand new and whole once again. If I've learned anything it is to learn to accept that I have a potential. .a future and its up to me how far I'm willing to take that :)

Making a better future for yourself!

If you are so focused on tryin to give your child a better future then what you were given, you are going to miss the whole point why you even went through in your past! Sometimes whose to say what you had to go through is exactly what someone wishes that they could go through..they may be able to handle it, they may handle it different then you..But if you are going to live to make your future better then your past. Then why are you even living? Where are you even growing? You arent gonna even progress where you are suppose to be headed..if your so caught up in your past...
I am so sorry that you are goin through things in your life, that you wish you could of had differently, but its not worth it! Love the people who are seeking for it! Sometimes the best love to give someone is just paying attention to them and taking time JUST to listen, when everyone around you just wants to talk you out of it! Sometimes the best way to love someone, is giving our own life experiences. Whose to say what you once FELT, is exactly what someone is already FEELING! You have that control in you, to make that change...it is just up to you to make that happen.

Time..

Change? What is it really? Is it something that really does stay for a long time? Is it something that really makes a difference in who we are? This word has been on my mind quite a bit lately and I cant seem to get it off my mind...there are times I feel like everyone around me, has it in them to change..but then the thought comes across my mind, what if that is just part of their personality? What really defines change? What really makes you a different person? Maybe the experiences we go through? Maybe even just the things we go through? Hmmm...I really dont know, cause what if the experience comes back around again and we fall back into the same thing we were doing before? I..just I dont know, there are times when I realistically think about things and there is just no way that someone could make a difference. There really is no way that someone could not be who they are and change into a whole new person? What are peoples thoughts when it comes to this?

Suicide!

SO tonight many thoughts run through my mind of the things that I have been going through in my life, to watch people go through everything that they have..YOu know, by all means I am not telling you that this life is easy. I am not telling you that we are going to have answers handed to us and things are going to work out in our favor everytime..But do you honestly think that suicide is the answer? Going into such a DEEP part of who you are? Its dark there..its scary, it may even hurt, and it may even feel as though, nobody could ever know... Do you really think that taking yourself out of this life, is going to make things better in the next? You are going to have more questions asked and judgements against you. Damnit! Pull yourself out of what you are goin thru, life is ALL what you make of it! It doesnt have to be SO hard! You may not be able to control every situation, you are handed. Let alone you may not be able to even fix everything..you may not be able to understand everything as well! But you have a COMPLETE understanding of YOU! thats the only person who really knows who you TRULY are...sooo grab it with both hands and take it where you are hoping to go, where you dream to be and LIVE today and realize the only thing that is TRULY yours...is YOUR attitude!

The man you wish you knew :P

Soo I know this man, he has come SUCH a long way, he has taught me the road of forgiveness, found what it is like to walk down a hard long cold path.. when not everyone seems to agree with what simply makes him happy and finds his truest friends in the process... somewhere along the journey of his life that has lived before..we found each other a friend for eternity to go through every experience with. i was able to run into him and find a friend that i will hold onto for forever..he is my light, he is my world, he is my smile..he is the reason i live and stand tall this day...a man with such a big heart and will give this world a gift of his presence that you only find as you come into his path..happiness is one way to define him, unlike anything i have ever known...he has taught me trust to just simply believe and have hope where there is no way to believe in something we cant seem to see and love that is true..love that is dear to the soul..the kind that pierces the soul and lives on the journey of forever..he has taught me loyalty through the life long experiences we have encountered and found that we will get through anything in this life, that the world can give us. He has taught me the power in ownership and simply what burdens it lifts when we are honest with ourselves and the ones we love..to own who you are as a person and to not waver just because someone wants you to be who they want you to be...the most important thing that he could ever teach me is the road to forgiveness  reminds you that you deserve to live free of the mistakes you have made..what he has been able to give to me is a brand new life, a brand new way of looking at things, and most importantly a new way of trusting who I am and will be...i like to call it the best gift we could receive..one we all seem to struggle with so deep inside is to forgive all those who have hurt us..and he is one who does this quite well..and he sends us on our way to believe in a journey we all seem to try and find everyday..he gives you, that strength as you come in contact with this kind of man..it, we havent had the easiest road this past year together, but this long road we have endured together, tonight i stand before and tell you my promise, of never losing a man like him ever again...he is a man of respect, a man of willingness, he sees the deepest part of my heart and defines open minded..he is the man i run too the man i cant get enough of his presence and is with me everywhere I go in spirit and phyically..he is the man, i have learned to live for and lay my head down every night with a peace of mind after a day that i never felt it was possible to get through..he knows the places of my heart that NOT a soul will ever be and has been with me through everything and more...he amazes me in SO many ways every minute of everyday. he teaches me trusting your feelings is the only way to stay true to yourself and that openness is the only way we learn..he has defined talent with his abilites to work in a kitchen listening and advising, his selflessness to give more then he is asked and love to the ones soul cant deny..he has taught me to believe in God when I feel as though he has turned his back..and reminded me at our weakest hour, that is our time to be brave the longest...through this long road we have to endure such as life, i find joy with this man by my side...the man that my heart and soul confides in. His name is Raul Sanchez, the most amazing man who ever lived!! MUAH, iloveyouuu!!! Happy Birthday honey, you made this birthday SO incredible! thank you ALL the moments we have shared tonight, I have the best friend in the world :)

Try not to judge me cause we have walked down different paths!

You know the past couple weeks, alot of things have changed for me..I have learned who my true friends are, I have learned who I can count on...and I have also learned who will judge me and who will talk behind my back when I dont even realize it. You know, I have come to accept today, I am not mad anymore for losing the people close to me that chose to walk away when I get married, when I get my piercing and when I get my tattoo's..I am truly not the one who is missing out, because I KNOW what I am doing! I dont need anyone telling me "how" to live my life....I, right now need in my life, is people to JUST love me, I need people, to be there to listen when I FEEL nobody else cares. If you dont agree with it, and I am still doing it, it doesnt mean I dont value your opinion. It has NOTHING to do with youu..it is the fact that I am happy with my choices, I am happy that I am FINALLY doing what I want and that is between me and God..You know what I have come to know about him? He is thee most incredible father, he takes time to listen when I am sad, when I am angry and he doesnt limit me of anything that I CHOOSE to do..He reminds me that, I live the consquences good or bad. He knows that the roads I choose may be rough, he knows that I have the strength in me and he knows that I am gonna learn life lessons that are going to help his children along the way..You know, these choices havent changed WHO I AM..they have may changed my persective on things and have become more understanding...but I have not once ever tried to MAKE someone understand what I am doing..If you agree with it, great! If you dont, thats okay too. I am not gonna punish YOU for not agreeing with it, but I will not allow you to stick around in my life, if you are going to tell me how to live it..Please dont change HOW you talk too just because I am not doing whaat you want..Dont look at me different because I am moving FORWARD...and dont talk CRAP about me, because you think I wont hear about it..Trust me honey, I will. You arent someone I will trust if you think that is okay :) I have come to understand today, the people who are mature enough, will take time to realize MY happiness is important no matter what that entitles because they UNDERSTAND that I will be the one who live with the consquences and they will express to me WHAT they have learned but never once force it upon me because they know one day I will understand as they do that I am not perfect..I am JUST me..opening my wings to find out the woman that I want to be! :)

My Understanding of Easter :)

Sooo I have been thinking this Easter Sunday, bout my Savior and who he is to me! i have been thinking about the man he says he is..and the man that I personally know he is...you know it is quite simple to think that this was a man who was PERFECT! It is simple to think, what possibly could ever make him sad, what could bring him down...what could he have in his "perfect" life..that he could be sad? Well let me tell you today what I have come to conclude my thoughts with today..That Yes, he IS the Son of God..and Yes, he was perfect! But guess what! He was HUMAN...just like you and me, he knew EXACTLY what it was like to make MISTAKES..and live with the guilt that came from them, he KNEW what it was like to cry yourself to sleep every night because NOBODY wanted to JUST take the time to listen...he knew what it was like to be offended, or FEEL betrayed by someone he loved...and simply trusted! He knew what it was like to live a lie..and knew what it was like to have someone not love you back the way you loved them...He understood the tears, he understood the sadness, he understood when NOBODY else did! ANNNDDD guess what the BEST part of alll of this is? THAT he would do it alll over again without even blinking..because he LOVES us THAT much! He knew that we would NEED someone in this world, to understand, to GIVE advice..and LISTEN with his ears, heart and soul! He knew we would need someone who would let us TALK for hours even when it made NO sense to anyone else. He knew what it was like to just want someone beside us EVERY step of the way cause we didnt think we could do something on our own...HE believed...he KNEW and he HOPED we would see in ourselves..what he IS seeing allll along! He stands at the door, wont you let him COME IN! He is there...and he has been there since the VERY beginning..WHAT a friend, that isnt ashamed to be with us, for us, and by us...what a friend to LISTEN when EVERYONE else just gave up...what a friend to just make a smile...when NOTHING in this world seemed to go right...Today, I am still amazed to this day, that God...STILL believes in ME...YOU! With soo many things in this world, HOW could he possibly do that??? Everyone else has judged me? Everyone else JUST didnt want to listen...but he ALWAYS does...EVERYTIME! He has never let me down..not even for a second..he TRULY seems to amaze me with how much I can trust himmm! He doesnt tell anyone my secrets, he doesnt hurt me when he tells the truth...yet he is SO respectful about it..and he gives me people in MY life..that KNOW it..just as much as he does! Truly, this Easter Holiday, I want you to KNOW as I do this day...God lives...Christ LIVES..and The Holy Ghost TESTIFIES it IS true!! :)

Motivate to move into a brighter future!

You know lately I have come to understand how important it is to have people in my life that I can depend on, when I havent been dependable at all.. Honest with me when I just cant seem to be honest with myself and forgive me when you have every reason in the world to hate me. I have done alot of wrong, i have been two faced, talked crap, put myself down and brought others down with me. I have shut people out because of fear they may no longer love me when they find out my secrets. Or no longer love me because of the way i have hurt them.  I have turned my back when people needed me the most and I have made excuses with a fear to grab ahold of life experiences. I have had a chance to land flat on my face and learn what it is like to feel COMPLETELY alone. I know the pain of what it is like to live under the influence of Satan and feel of the rejoice to be set free from God. I have felt weights be lifted off of me when I deserved them most. I have known what its like to be sad and be angry with myself inside. I have let it take hold of my life and live for enemies and shut out the ones who care the MOST. Iknow what its like to own up to some one and things that I have done wrong. I have been repremanded for what MY choices did to the ones I love and I have felt the Saviors embrace whisperings "TRY AGAIN!" I am not exactly asking anyone to undersatnd the influence of abuse mannipulation controlling I have encountered. But I am asking for your forgiveness!! Forgiveness to try againnn, even when I dont deserve it! I have wronged MANY. I have made you feel as though you WERE second best. But with this today, I want to start over and regain YOUR trust! I know that its gonna be REALLLYY hard and I know its gonna take ALOT of patience. But I give you my word, I WONT LET YOU DOW! Now is MY chance to be the BEST me and I expect you to be BY my side! (not in front of me nor behind me!!) As i start over and I LEARN to grow from life experiences that life is so ready to give us on a regular basis. I am READY to stand, I am READY to try, i am WILLING to give this another try. For a better outcome, a BETTER future, a BETTER life I have yet to experience!! :)
With SO much love!

Dear God, thank you for being there when nobody else was..

You know, I havent always done the best at always appreciating life that I so have been blessed with the last two years... i have taken people for granted...I have betrayed people's trust...and I have hurt people that I have never wanted to hurt havent always said how sorry I was for what I have put people through...I have hurt the ones I love the most, myself and almost gave up everything because I truly thought giving up everything would say "I love you!" I put myself in situations that I never intended to be in and I have felt sorry for myself...I know what it is like to not always be happy with who I am and where I am going in my life...but today I stand here before you to tell you, I am surly blessed beyond anything in this world...I have found my truest friends...I know what it is like to trust...and to be trusted...I have had the blessing to understand the power of forgiveness, self control and what truly begins with me.. the only person who can make decisions at the end of every day, is ME! I can receive all the advice from everybody around me, but what really matters is understanding that you are NOT perfect...but you have it in you! :)