The man you marry..isnt your priest..he is your husband :)

Have you ever found yourself feeling so deep with emotions..that words couldn't even begin to describe how you were feeling..that everything inside of you felt trapped..it didn't make sense how every emotion you barried didn't have an outlet if you talked bout it or you just let it be what it was. What if you were just hiding behind a mask? Was it so much easier to put it on or take it off? I have the opportunity in my life to of gone thru a divorce...one that i knew i was gonna go thru when i chose to say 'i do'...it was just a matter of time...yet i didnt realize how ever so difficult the road would be...finding out thru the whole thing..all my husband wanted thru it all is to have to upper hand in it..could it appear as tho he was fightin for what he truly believed in? When reality it was just his way to have the control...they say when u love someone that their happiness becomes above ur own...has that been the case? Has he let me live my life, freely and give me the time and space...and freedom that i so heartly deserve...as this lonf road has yet to be over...it has causes me much despair. :( tears of feeling ever so alone and tho I don't know if I really am making the right decision. Has it been easy to blame this on others? Absolutely. Has it been something I thought was gonna be easy? Of course..he is in jail and we have no kids...what could be harder then that...never did i feel like it was gonna be this journey I am walking..the risks. The thoughts..the emotions. Its absolutely amazes me how one soul has so much influence over another. How even the mental thought can change ones out look on beauty. One out look on motivation to wake up and get thru the day..  how one can change someones perception of what love is..and should be...but most of how someone should and will be. I am not perfect by all means...nor do I tend to be...nor do I wanna be. What I do know is that the hardest part in all of this is knowing that I didn't give up...accepting that I walked away not because I couldn't do it..but simply cause I knew I deserved someone better for me..for my heart...for my kids ..for my relationships..but most of all for the sake of my eternal well being..Chris simply is a man I will always and forever love. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him. I now stand taller then I have ever known myself to stand for...my perspective is clear...with my heart wide open and ready to try to love again. With the feeling in my heart I want to forgive a man who hurt me so deeply so I can move forward in my life for things I deserve.. so I can one day teach my little girl of what its like to have a man deserve her as a daughter of God..
I never thought in my wildest dreams this was something id have to go thru..I saw what it did to families...couples and the bitterness it created. But that isn't what its looked like for me..its taught me that love isn't something to jump right into. Its something that doesn't take work and it isn't unsure...love is something that just happens and we learn to go with it because of how it makes us feel...it teaches us how to be patient in the most trying times..how to understand when someone elses needs are above your own..how to communicate with honesty when its uncomfortable and to open ur heart to hold back from the conditions we so easily put on someone of who we want them to be. Love takes time..as much as we need of it. It is kind. It is forgiveable. It isn't a list.  If there is anything I've found of what love IS NOT. I know that it isn't something we should ever be scared of. It'll bring out our best efforts and work. It is something that is open...and not some laundry list we should be scared to tell someone of the mistakes we have made.
I can't begin to even put in words exactly what im goin thru..I don't know how I will ever get thru something so hard as what I have to deal with...but what I do know is everyday that I am alive. God so heartedly blesses me to let me know he IS there and teaches me how important I am to him as his daughter. While he listens..while he assures me.  And while he looks out for me. :)