Process in this divorce

Sept 20, 2012
Who am I kidding? I have sat here in thinking that I am not hurting and havent wished for someone to love me the way I want to be..I sit here and wait for the day to come when someone finally wants to know about MY situation..when people will be moved by MY story..when people will finally let me cry out everything that I have been trying to hide iniside. i dont even know what i wam tryin to say amymore where is he? why hasnt he even cared to reach out ..why is everything he keeps saying so rude and he doesnt even consider my feeling did he even love me like he said he did... did he even want to be married like he kept saying he wanted to be? did he want to have a family? did he let his family influence him to the core? why am i the only who seems to be really dealing with this whole thing...i look at pictures and it captured soo much in all the words that we cant say..but does it really say it all? no it doesnt..it only says parts of what we want it to really say..we take pictures in our happy moments.  In the moments that nothing seems to be goin wrong. we just often times forget how  important we are not just moments..but in memories too..we all see life through a different lenses..just what will it take for us to see i dont even know what i want to say right now i dont even know how to deal with this divorce... i just kept feling like i am going to have to deal with all of this when you get out of prision anyways and that really scares me..i dont want to deal with you then i dont even know how i would react to seing you..would i feel like i betrayed you? would you feel like i left you? would you or will you ever even forgive me for the things that i said to you? i lied to you so oftn..i made promises that i couldnt even keep...why, doesnt feel like that for you..why does it just feel like i am the only one  who let you down.. memories come back to me all the time specailly this time of year..i remember the times tah that you would say some of the rudest things have ever heard  someone say to me and to me it was just normal" why would someone who really said they love me hurt me like you kept doing ? did i involve my family to much? was i the one who couldnt even get my act together was i the one who was at fault? am i stil the one who is hurting? why does goodbye hurt when i think bout it? why doesnt it make sense when i wanna be with you? i know that you are still extrememly hurt by things that my mom use to tell you but why? I guess this is what happens when finally someone makes a stance in not wanting to settle because I know happiness is out there waiting for me.