Living my life

Have you ever heard that phrase, that you cant change your problems, with the same mindset you created them with?? Well... now you have! I have always lived my life, wanting to learn more. Needing to know more, and always trying to learn and move ahead in my life. I have found myself in situations that I never thought I would of been in, looking back knowing I did everything that I knew I could, with the knowledge that I had... always doing everything I could, to get myself out of uncomfortable situations and make sure certain mistakes would never repeated again...cause you see, I have always been that girl who hates making mistakes, but loving to grow from them. Weird, right..who is spending there life hoping that they dont make mistakes..what kind of life is that anyways? But all I have ever wanted is to be a good person, striving to do what is right, in every situation. Try to everything I could to make sure I didnt ever hurt anyone, myself and whatever else was involved..But these past two years I have come to appreciate the beauty in making mistakes,that I have the chance to learn so much more then it was not even living my life...You know, I dont try to go out looking for trouble, nor do I even want to create it..but what I am trying to do is create a life for myself that I have never had before. I have loved every bit of it. It has taught me to understand people who are struggling, to not judge a book by its cover,  to believe that the only thing we will ever find in this world is constant change and sometimes that is more then enough change that anyone will need. Because when we create change, it doesn't only touch our own lives by it also impacts others as well. It impacts them to see that every sinner is loved as much as the saint and every saint can sin as much as a sinner. Everyone has a pile of rocks they're carrying around. Some will just make it more obvious then others and sometimes others have just learned to handle lifes situations at its fullest in knowing we can't make the same mistake twice nor can we learn the same thing again. We will always be changing in such a way that it will expand our perspective to its fullest. :)

Mirror Image

I was always told growing up that one day that i was going to be able to find the man of my dreams..that he would take me to the temple and forever we would be sealed as a family..yet what i didnt know is the road it would take to get there.. I didnt know it was going to be so long..so rough and soo many choices at hand..we get into those mode sometimes and think that everything is just going to happen..it is just going to work out...but we let fear continue to stop us from progressing because it is easier to sit back and watch your life to pass by...instead of asking and watching the answers turn into yes...your belief turn into faith and your live for what you know, to bless lives. Ill have you know that I have had my fair share of experiences this year..Never did I ever think in my life, I would imagine me sitting here trying to figure out how to overcome the damage that was created in my life and continues to show up in my life..We all just want to be loved....we all just want to be heard..but what we dont realize is that sometimes the people that are hurting the most, is just the person who wont even take time for themselves..its hard isnt it? it is hard to be honest with ourselves...it is very hard to say the words that nobody hears..the ones we are afraid that people are going to judge us for..the ones that if people were to hear, they would look at us differently..as though we werent equal...but if we all could take off the masks we hide behind, the opinions we have created and the assumptions that hold us back. we would then see people at their most vulnerable state..we would care to love each other, selfish wouldnt even be a word, and unity is what we would created.. what has this world turned into..where lack of trust is common..lies are told instead of truth and betrayal is more common then the loyalty of ones word...what are you doing for the world today? To create something bigger then what you are..who you are...and what you will be.. Are you putting yourself aside? Or do you actually need to put yourself first, because you have put yourself off for so long, but fear holds you back, in fear that you will be viewed as a selfish person...but sometimes that is what we need to do to move forward..no matter how much it hurts..YOU MATTER!!! people want to give you back, what you continue to give..

A wonderful blessing!

November 20, 2012 As many emotions came over me in one moment...I was blessed, I was shocked, happy, relieved, wanted to laugh, felt like crying and mad..all at the same time..but why? Why would one phrase bring so many emotions? What was I to be feeling in a moment of celebration, everyone around me seemed to be happy for me, they were cheering, they were all looking to me as I saved the day. The man that I put every emotion I ever had, that promised me that he was gonna stand BY me through the good and bad, the ugly and beautiful...the hardships in decisions and concerns..but what i found all along is that he was never there..the times I cried myself to sleep, the accomplishments, the endurance, the inner strength and the battles i had to faced every single day I had to make a decision to stand against all odds. To do what my selfish desires were asking of me, instead of what truly was best for me..everyone around him seemed to remind him what a great influence I was over him...how he had never been so happy before...the question always remained of how he always seemed to be the one who had the upper hand, why was he able to win every argument we had...he was able to always seem to make it my fault, my insecurities, my family, my past...why wasnt what I gave him, ever good enough? But it always seemed to be when we first began. Why couldnt it be now? I found along the way that love wasnt what we shared between us... because now I can stand here before you to tell you, sometimes the ones we love and we give our all too...aren't meant to stay in our lives for forever. Just a lesson and a blessing to someone else.

What does love do for you?

I have tried to figure out in my life..what really am I living for? Where am I going to be able to finally settle down and be really happy with where I am at. I dont want to be able too keep searching...I dont want to keep searching...but the base of what keeps each of us alive..that keeps us going every single day is, love! To be loved and to love someone...there is soo many things to what love can do...it changes everything. It opens our minds,  it creates a joyful heart, it makes us want to be better, it encourages, it believes, it creates, it understands, it is kind and it is what gives us the meaning in this life!:)

You are HERE for a reason

Everyday is a journey worth taking...we are born into this world to discover every single day what it will offer us. Are you alive today to bless someones life? Will you inspire someone just because you live today and your positive influence...or do you need to be reminded that you making mistakes, is part of you being human just as anyone else will? I cant give you the formula why you are alive today, I cant tell you the steps to find out what will even make you happy. But what I can tell you is that today someone needs your strength, someone needs to hear you story, someone needs to know that you care...Are you in the spot in your life that you just arent moving forward and you arent falling behind? Where ever you may be in the world, I get that it is working for you! It has gotta be working for you, because you chose everyday to stay there..you chose to be in that position...and if you arent as happy/sad as you appear to be, then change it! Make a difference, do what YOU want and dont let anyone ever tell you that you arent good enough, that you arent strong enough..cause I see it! YOU have it in youuu, its why everytime someone choses to say something, it effects you at your core, because you know better. you know the truth! You just live to feel that maybe, just maybe they may know you better then you know yourself...that isnt the case at all...you are the ONLY one who knows YOU..who can make the final decision EVERY single day!

Where do I turn?

I have believed for all my life that if we were to just turn to God we would be able to find all the answers that we dont know...that he would give us time, and experience allowing our faith to be built, our testimonies to grow and allow us to move forward in all the answers we know..But I have reached the point in my life where I am wondering where does my life begin? Where is it that point I reach when I finally figure out my purpose for why I am even alive? When do we finally come to understand my true beauty, my true potential. How do I even begin to look? When I sit back and try to figure out where I am going next. Will I be able to know how...where? what? how? I feel like in every area of my life I have waited for these moments..when I finally get to start living a life for me, when i know what it is like to pay for everything that was mine, to be able to get a career one day find a husband who wants to take me to the temple and will love me with every fault, insecurity and mistake. Will the mental abuse finally go away? Will the trials that feel as though they are never ending, finally end.. Will be I one day just come to understand the great person that I really am? Who do I even turn to when i am feeling like this...

I know what I chose

11/12/12
Your right, I am a big girl...I have been married...I have had a step child and I know what it like to be a wife, step mom and a daughter...it hasn't been easy at all.. Since day one, I knew exactly what I was getting involved into..I knew that it was going to test my patience, that it would bring alot of pulling on my heart and I most definitely knew that it would be harder to get out of then get into...Was it something I wanted? Yeahhh it was, was it something that I thought would be THIS hard? Nooo...it definitely was the last thing that I wanted..<br />
Let me tell you this, everyday I feel like I am missing him, cause he cant be here...it feels like I am consistently running, it makes me saddd...it brings back a million memories...and it feels as tho everyone is telling me to get over it...and you know what? I dont want to get over it! I dont want to get over him...I married him for a reason, I stayed with him for as long as I did cause I knew he could change, I knew he could be the man I have always wanted him to be. Yet through this whole process in this divorce,  I have had to stop and remember that there are two people in this relationship,  there are two people who have to create honesty, communication,  love trust a relationship worth keeping alive. Two people have to want it more then anything in this world. Yes one is always going to give more then the other, but that is why there is a balance.  That is why there is something that I love to call unconditional love. You have to pause and consider someone else's feelings constantly. It takes you putting someone else's happiness above your own. And in the kind of marriage I was in. It wasn't healthy, it didn't do any good for my life, the ones around me and the children I would of liked to bring into this world. It was an unhealthy environment for everyone around me and that in itself wasn't something I ever wanted to keep forever. Even if it didn't make any sense to anyone else or didn't have proof. My feelings were enough for me to know that I trusted myself more then enough to get out of a relationship and take care of myself, my future and my family one day. Because I was important. I mattered. I deserved the world. Not because I was ever shown that, I never had role models growing up to know what that was like. But what I did have, and it was examples of what i knew I didn't need nor want for myself and that in itself was enough to remind me how important i am.

Open your heart..let me come in!

Who are you to tell someone, who they can or can not be. We all are searching for everyones approval, everyones validation..but we dont stop and see sometimes is that it lies within ourselves..the answers are there and that is why we ask, to be able to hear ourselves out loud..the one thing that our bodies already tell us, the voice we already hear and the knowledge that we will use in our lives..we all live our lives, based off of what we know..what have been given and we are just trying to make the most of it..when someone isnt doing something that you know better, take a step back...have some compassion and realize, they are only human just like you and me. they need the guiding steps just as you do..they need to be reminded they are loved, someone is proud of them and that someone is watching and does notice..we cant fix what isnt broken..but we also cant fix what isnt spoken about...are you one of those people that simply just expect people to know how you are feeling..what you are feeling? It is easy to get that way! People are around you enough to know the things that weigh so heavy on our hearts, but what we forget to do is remember that people cant see the broken pieces..they cant feel the emptiness you feel deep inside your heart..the only way to ones heart is the words that you will speak, and words that your heart will hear..