The best is the real YOU!

As my heart and mind are overwhelmed with the feelings of wondering how could I ever feel as though I am goood enough for this world and as my mind begins to run out of ideas of how I could ever be...I truly sit back in aw with how grateful I am, to get a chance to be imperfect in everything i do..I have had a very long road to have walked these past couple...more then a couple of years now, I have had to experience things in my life, that have played in an effect on my life all based off of  a someone made..or myself chose to make choice..There are things that I wish I could take back, the way I feel bout myself, and the way I wish I could move on with my life and truly find what it is I have been searching for..then I sit back with so much love in my heart that a my heavenly father would send me here to this earth, knowing that I would make mistakes..he knew the roads I would choose, would always lead me back to him..he knew the intensions of my heart and he saw what nobody else got the chance to see..His unconditional love sends me in a whirlwind of knowing, I know he lives..because I feel it every single day I wake up..that I have another day to become the person I am suppose to be..I cant even begin to tell you what it is right for you and neither can you do the same for me..but what I can tell you, is that each one of us were sent to this earth because we would need validation, love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness...all sorts of qualities we would need to be fully aware of, to BEcome as the Savior is..to love as he does, when he takes time to put others first..when he befriends the ones who have less of friends, to be the phone call someone needs when they feel like giving up, a friendly smile or a little laugh...or even just a "im sorry..i messed up!" The Savior...the most real man that could ever walk this earth, perfect as he is..and human like in every shape and form..He knew when he was in the wrong, he kept his word..he went out of his way to care, to be honest, to communicate...but amongst it all to forgive the ones who didnt deserve forgiveness and to bless the lives of others, by living the way Heavenly Father would have us live..and not as the world would have us live..and to trust each one of us to make our own choices to come back to him...and thru him we would find a way...even if it wasnt like everyone elses ;)

The man you marry..isnt your priest..he is your husband :)

Have you ever found yourself feeling so deep with emotions..that words couldn't even begin to describe how you were feeling..that everything inside of you felt trapped..it didn't make sense how every emotion you barried didn't have an outlet if you talked bout it or you just let it be what it was. What if you were just hiding behind a mask? Was it so much easier to put it on or take it off? I have the opportunity in my life to of gone thru a divorce...one that i knew i was gonna go thru when i chose to say 'i do'...it was just a matter of time...yet i didnt realize how ever so difficult the road would be...finding out thru the whole thing..all my husband wanted thru it all is to have to upper hand in it..could it appear as tho he was fightin for what he truly believed in? When reality it was just his way to have the control...they say when u love someone that their happiness becomes above ur own...has that been the case? Has he let me live my life, freely and give me the time and space...and freedom that i so heartly deserve...as this lonf road has yet to be over...it has causes me much despair. :( tears of feeling ever so alone and tho I don't know if I really am making the right decision. Has it been easy to blame this on others? Absolutely. Has it been something I thought was gonna be easy? Of course..he is in jail and we have no kids...what could be harder then that...never did i feel like it was gonna be this journey I am walking..the risks. The thoughts..the emotions. Its absolutely amazes me how one soul has so much influence over another. How even the mental thought can change ones out look on beauty. One out look on motivation to wake up and get thru the day..  how one can change someones perception of what love is..and should be...but most of how someone should and will be. I am not perfect by all means...nor do I tend to be...nor do I wanna be. What I do know is that the hardest part in all of this is knowing that I didn't give up...accepting that I walked away not because I couldn't do it..but simply cause I knew I deserved someone better for me..for my heart...for my kids ..for my relationships..but most of all for the sake of my eternal well being..Chris simply is a man I will always and forever love. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him. I now stand taller then I have ever known myself to stand for...my perspective is clear...with my heart wide open and ready to try to love again. With the feeling in my heart I want to forgive a man who hurt me so deeply so I can move forward in my life for things I deserve.. so I can one day teach my little girl of what its like to have a man deserve her as a daughter of God..
I never thought in my wildest dreams this was something id have to go thru..I saw what it did to families...couples and the bitterness it created. But that isn't what its looked like for me..its taught me that love isn't something to jump right into. Its something that doesn't take work and it isn't unsure...love is something that just happens and we learn to go with it because of how it makes us feel...it teaches us how to be patient in the most trying times..how to understand when someone elses needs are above your own..how to communicate with honesty when its uncomfortable and to open ur heart to hold back from the conditions we so easily put on someone of who we want them to be. Love takes time..as much as we need of it. It is kind. It is forgiveable. It isn't a list.  If there is anything I've found of what love IS NOT. I know that it isn't something we should ever be scared of. It'll bring out our best efforts and work. It is something that is open...and not some laundry list we should be scared to tell someone of the mistakes we have made.
I can't begin to even put in words exactly what im goin thru..I don't know how I will ever get thru something so hard as what I have to deal with...but what I do know is everyday that I am alive. God so heartedly blesses me to let me know he IS there and teaches me how important I am to him as his daughter. While he listens..while he assures me.  And while he looks out for me. :)

Just when I found myself...being completely honest!..What now?

You have all told me to be strong, you have told me to hold my head held high..and to not settle...you have told me the horrible man I married...you were quick to tell me not to feel the way i was feeling cause I was gonna give back into someone who was controlling me..You were quick to tell me what was BEST for me...but none of you never even ASKED what was best for me..You just thought you knew the whole story based off of what you knew...yet none of you have even tried to bother to ask "How are you REALLY!?" It was easy to assume that I was happy because I put on that happy face..I fooled you all because what was showing on the outside..it wasnt matching on the inside..did it surprise you when I came out and said I was done with Chris? Was it easy to see that wasn't the man I wanted to be with, because I let each one of your influences in my head?  I told you his secrets because I was tried of living my life as a lie..I no longer wanted to feel I was hiding behind a mask, I found myself, in no need to find victims in my life anymore...but little did I know I was playing one the whole time.. it was easy not to take responsibility for how i was feeling..cause that would cause me not to lose any of you! We all know where Chris is..we know he has made mistakes, but the mistakes he has made...is that truly who is? Some may tell you yes, some may sympathize and understand that isnt truly who he is..and some of you may be quick just to tell me...I am crazy to even give him the benefit of the doubt..and quick to raise questions to me of what you know the situation to be..I have lived my life in 4 months time without having any kind of contact with him, I have learned to close doors and keep them shut, I have sought out advice from people because I felt that they would validate how I was feeling...yet amongst it all, I found myself more confused then ever...I didnt understand as I prayed to forgive him, that I found peace with it okay to go and see him..to wanna make things work..I sought out spiritual counsel.. I believed it was just a phase of grief that I had to go thru..that it would just pass "if I just gave it time" but as time has come and gone...all I want is for one second chance, with the man that I married..the man that I never got the chance to feel what it was like to truly be a married couple... I didnt know what it was like to own our own home together and allow our dreams of a family to become reality...Some may call me crazy, for even considering this idea again...for thinking that a man in jail could really change, when this whole time he has got himself in fights...now mind you, I am not tellin any of you, the man I married was a saint..nor will I begin to justify his mistakes..but what I will tell you, is the man I married I still love him, I still want to be with him..and more then ever I want to make this marriage work...I coped out early, because it was easy...It was easy to give up and run away because something hard was about to change my life forever...but as i have learned in the moments of silence, we grow the most in uncomfortable situations...someone who has been by my side for a year now...we have gone thru more, then one couple should ever have to go thru..We had to learn who our true friends were, we learned the language of lies, misunderstands, betrayal, hurt and secrets.. My heart is heavy in the lies that I continue to live with every hour..every day! That it is time I be completely honest with myself, what if he was the man I wanted to make this work with..would it shock you if I told you that I was excited EVERY time he pushed court off for just one more month, because I would love to see him again? I would love to ask him "How he truly is?" Did you believe me when i told you I wouldnt be able to see him, cause I would just give back into him? Easy to believe that right? He has always been a man good with his words..but what I have learned as I sit thru this process is that I miss the man I married more then I hate him..I wanna hold him more then I want to hit him... I wanna cry in his arms..more then I want to yell at him...
We have both learned what it is like to make mistakes, we have learned what it is like to hurt each other..but thru all the silence we have found unspoken words that only we can speak..

We are all imperfect..just trying to make it work

For every moment that I have been given, I have been blessed with a chance to be able to explore the world..I have been able to open my mind and open my heart and come to find that maybe..just maybe God has a plan for me, that he has something big in store, that it will take only me being able to see it..I dont know everything, yet I dont tend to wanna know everything..but what I do know is that God surly does love me..and I know that because I have put it to the test, the past 2 weeks have been an experience in itself for me...On June 24, I decided to turn my life around for the better..I decided that I was gonna give Heavenly Father another chance again and see what he could do for me..I was gonna see if he had any happiness for me, and from that moment forward I have found utter peace from him...he has opened my world to a place of somewhere I love to be..
If there is anything I know, I have come to know that I am not perfect...I am surrounded by imperfect people..and each one of us are just striving to find our place in the world..we are tryin to learn how to be successful, how to grow, how to be happy and most of all we are just trying to find out who we are and who were suppose to be..Some of us have hard hearts and arent willing to open our hearts to the world...some of us have such a soft heart, we let people walk all over us and find that it is okay...whoever you may be in this world...big heart or just YOUR heart..you are important...you are making a difference..You may not know it, you may not even feel it...But I can promise you, that if you were to just open your mind, open your heart..someone just wants to know what is there..Have you ever felt like every one can see that good in you? Cept you? Well guess what? You could see it too, if you just realized, people really do listen to you..they are there not only when its bad...but they are there when it is good too..People pray for you, people want whats best for you...and I know this all to be true cause I have seen it..It is hard to see something, if you are only giving half your heart..what are you gonna get from that? Well let me tell you something now...what we give to this world is exactly what we are gonna get back..believe it or not, only we can come to understand that..We all deserve to be happy, we all deserve to know that someone out there somewhere, is looking out for us..you offer this world something, that nobody else can give..that is why you are here..give the world, the gifts God has has given you..that is why you have them..explore them..make the most of them..cause nobody can do it except youuu!! We will come to understand that, if we just believe in that, we can make a difference!
We all deserve a second chance, we all deserve to be forgiven..we all have a different defination of what that may be...but,
As you walk away from reading this post I want you to remember something...not everything is everyone elses fault..you do things wrong too, and I am sure you know that. But quit playing the victim when things dont go your way.. Take responsibility for what you are doing wrong, cause I promise you..you are doin something that is creating someone to act the way they are..take this for example..have you ever got in a relationship and EVERYTHING is just simply great?? There is all honesty, there is communication, alot of laughing, smiling..but somewhere down the road something goes wrong? And it is soo easy to blame the other person for that? Guess what? You may of reacted a certain way to get them to react that way..your body language may of struck a coard in them..and they may not wanna be that way with you anymore..soo remember the next time you go to blame someone..take a look at yourself first, and make sure what you are doing..isnt "perfect" but also remember too...Not everything is your fault either, but you do play a role in every relationship :)

During the long road of divorce...</3

<p>My heart is heavy tonight and I feel as though nobody has bothered to care...this past year I have got married..became a step mom and knew getting involved with him that it wasn't gonna be easy. I was more then willing to take the risk of having a man go to jail...because he was taking care of mistakes that had taken place wayy before we met. He was owning his past..just as everyone had asked him too...and as our relationship unfolded. We let people in..and we both become vulnerable we found it harder to trust each other... because other peoples opinions became more important then our relationship...I lost contact of my family....I lost friends to risk feeling like my marriage was gonna last ..low and behold a month him being in jail. I discovered I didn't want to be with him. I was happier without him then I was with him. I found myself able to cope better without him around. As I chose to file for divorce and move on with my life...my focus became more alert as I devoted myself to school ..work became easier cause I Wasnt worried anymore...I was able to completely feel and be independent just like I always wanted..I learned how to cope being without him and the anger I felt wasn't gonna go away anytime soon..the peace I felt that soon came over me..I learned the only way I was gonna feel okay again is praying to have my heavenly father by my aside...as few would truly take the time to ask how my heart was coping...I found a love for him...a love that I was at peace where things were headed...I truly wanted what was best for him...but what I think often ppl are truly missing during this whole process is...it isnt easy..I miss him almost every single night..soo often I cry myself to sleep...I ask myself WHY this had to happen to me...I don't get it..I don't have the answers...and what hurts the most is feeling nobody cares to know the loneliness that is sooo deep...as ppl take time to ask how I truly am...thank YOU. It truly makes all the difference. It truly makes me feel important..it makes me feel my feeling matter...cause aas I still continue to fight this battle of wishing he would just let me go. Fighting with everything inside me to hold back the tears...I know what I am doin is gonna be for the better..it will one day soon make sense why I got to go thru this...but for whatever reason until then I will miss him.  I will love him. I will forgive him. I will cherish the memories we made..I will wish him thee VERY best..and most of alll...he will hold a place in my heart to remember yes he did hurt me..he did leave me too answer questions to ppl I didn't wanna do...but what I will always do from this point on is be grateful for a man who taught me so much...both good and bad I will always have someone who will be with me until the end of time...in my heart he will be.
Lol...I sure hope when ppl read this. You don't take that we are gonna be together...cause right now we are just tryin to figure out truly where we are suppose to be as a couple. What I'm trying to express is this journey isn't easy at alll. I miss him a lot...but without each other is where we are better off...or so i feel like it should be...for any reason for us to make it work..time will only tell..

Respect?

Respect? What is it? Is it when you finally put your foot down for not letting someone walk all over you? When they stop asking and they just do instead. Is it when you decide that someone doesnt deserve you or they cant control you? Or  not allowing someone to disreguard how we are really feeling? Or is your definition just simply someone taking care of you the way you deserve...by being patient, kind, understandingg....when everything tells us it doesnt...Whatever you feel it may be, it has been on my mind quite often lately, and it has really made me wonder, what is your limit of when you call it quits when someone disrepects you, or when someone will respect you. Is your fine line to not let someone talk down to you, for them not to hold in how they are truly feeling...is it when they stop trying to be honest with how they truly feel? I cant live the rest of my life faking anything, I want to be real with myself, others and specially the people I love. I feel like everyone truly deserves a chance at life to be trusted, to feel like they can be truly let in..but it is up to you to define your self  respect. Mine simply will be to walk away when their is selfishness bitterness betrayal condescending and demeaning me as a woman and daughter of God. It isn't to walk away when it gets hard but to stand up for myself when I deserve something better.