You have all told me to be strong, you have told me to hold my head held high..and to not settle...you have told me the horrible man I married...you were quick to tell me not to feel the way i was feeling cause I was gonna give back into someone who was controlling me..You were quick to tell me what was BEST for me...but none of you never even ASKED what was best for me..You just thought you knew the whole story based off of what you knew...yet none of you have even tried to bother to ask "How are you REALLY!?" It was easy to assume that I was happy because I put on that happy face..I fooled you all because what was showing on the outside..it wasnt matching on the inside..did it surprise you when I came out and said I was done with Chris? Was it easy to see that wasn't the man I wanted to be with, because I let each one of your influences in my head? I told you his secrets because I was tried of living my life as a lie..I no longer wanted to feel I was hiding behind a mask, I found myself, in no need to find victims in my life anymore...but little did I know I was playing one the whole time.. it was easy not to take responsibility for how i was feeling..cause that would cause me not to lose any of you! We all know where Chris is..we know he has made mistakes, but the mistakes he has made...is that truly who is? Some may tell you yes, some may sympathize and understand that isnt truly who he is..and some of you may be quick just to tell me...I am crazy to even give him the benefit of the doubt..and quick to raise questions to me of what you know the situation to be..I have lived my life in 4 months time without having any kind of contact with him, I have learned to close doors and keep them shut, I have sought out advice from people because I felt that they would validate how I was feeling...yet amongst it all, I found myself more confused then ever...I didnt understand as I prayed to forgive him, that I found peace with it okay to go and see him..to wanna make things work..I sought out spiritual counsel.. I believed it was just a phase of grief that I had to go thru..that it would just pass "if I just gave it time" but as time has come and gone...all I want is for one second chance, with the man that I married..the man that I never got the chance to feel what it was like to truly be a married couple... I didnt know what it was like to own our own home together and allow our dreams of a family to become reality...Some may call me crazy, for even considering this idea again...for thinking that a man in jail could really change, when this whole time he has got himself in fights...now mind you, I am not tellin any of you, the man I married was a saint..nor will I begin to justify his mistakes..but what I will tell you, is the man I married I still love him, I still want to be with him..and more then ever I want to make this marriage work...I coped out early, because it was easy...It was easy to give up and run away because something hard was about to change my life forever...but as i have learned in the moments of silence, we grow the most in uncomfortable situations...someone who has been by my side for a year now...we have gone thru more, then one couple should ever have to go thru..We had to learn who our true friends were, we learned the language of lies, misunderstands, betrayal, hurt and secrets.. My heart is heavy in the lies that I continue to live with every hour..every day! That it is time I be completely honest with myself, what if he was the man I wanted to make this work with..would it shock you if I told you that I was excited EVERY time he pushed court off for just one more month, because I would love to see him again? I would love to ask him "How he truly is?" Did you believe me when i told you I wouldnt be able to see him, cause I would just give back into him? Easy to believe that right? He has always been a man good with his words..but what I have learned as I sit thru this process is that I miss the man I married more then I hate him..I wanna hold him more then I want to hit him... I wanna cry in his arms..more then I want to yell at him...
We have both learned what it is like to make mistakes, we have learned what it is like to hurt each other..but thru all the silence we have found unspoken words that only we can speak..
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