I know what I chose

11/12/12
Your right, I am a big girl...I have been married...I have had a step child and I know what it like to be a wife, step mom and a daughter...it hasn't been easy at all.. Since day one, I knew exactly what I was getting involved into..I knew that it was going to test my patience, that it would bring alot of pulling on my heart and I most definitely knew that it would be harder to get out of then get into...Was it something I wanted? Yeahhh it was, was it something that I thought would be THIS hard? Nooo...it definitely was the last thing that I wanted..<br />
Let me tell you this, everyday I feel like I am missing him, cause he cant be here...it feels like I am consistently running, it makes me saddd...it brings back a million memories...and it feels as tho everyone is telling me to get over it...and you know what? I dont want to get over it! I dont want to get over him...I married him for a reason, I stayed with him for as long as I did cause I knew he could change, I knew he could be the man I have always wanted him to be. Yet through this whole process in this divorce,  I have had to stop and remember that there are two people in this relationship,  there are two people who have to create honesty, communication,  love trust a relationship worth keeping alive. Two people have to want it more then anything in this world. Yes one is always going to give more then the other, but that is why there is a balance.  That is why there is something that I love to call unconditional love. You have to pause and consider someone else's feelings constantly. It takes you putting someone else's happiness above your own. And in the kind of marriage I was in. It wasn't healthy, it didn't do any good for my life, the ones around me and the children I would of liked to bring into this world. It was an unhealthy environment for everyone around me and that in itself wasn't something I ever wanted to keep forever. Even if it didn't make any sense to anyone else or didn't have proof. My feelings were enough for me to know that I trusted myself more then enough to get out of a relationship and take care of myself, my future and my family one day. Because I was important. I mattered. I deserved the world. Not because I was ever shown that, I never had role models growing up to know what that was like. But what I did have, and it was examples of what i knew I didn't need nor want for myself and that in itself was enough to remind me how important i am.